While we spend time in our thoughts thinking we have the answers, we don't know till we try to make it happen. Visualization becomes an after thought because the present requires an idea to move into execution.

While mulling over the possibilties of a future, I decided to reexamine my school records. For the most part I've managed to pocket my life like pool balls hitting the corners. Thoughts neatly rearranged as the table cleared one by one. Also, if by strategy or luck, more than one fell into place. I have seen it happen, although stastically it was usually a methodologically single shot in. I wonder have I a single shot or if it is just a shot in the dark.

I have prided myself in understanding, recognizing and accepting the difficulties I've come across. I made efforts to rectify and save what I could. Regaining memory has been one of my many hurdles but not from a brain injury or physical harm but from tragedies of child abandonment and later abuse.

After relatively two and a half years of moderate success at the local community college and my numerous previous attempts, I am almost at the finish line. My coursework and studies have created a place where I could be myself, think and share what I know and understand. As I looked back on the years on what I have lost, while simultaneously reacquiring the moments that should have been, I am not surprised at the setback today.

Upon reviewing my student record, I realized there were still chunks of information missing from my psyche. As I sat and pondered this thought, I debated how much of a pursuit I wanted or needed. I would be required to go back to that very black and white world that surrounded at the time. Those were the haziest and grayest days of my life but the stark contrast during those days were warring opposites of fear and courage, along with failure and success and my personal freedom was exchanged for another's life.