April, I will be sad to see you go. You gave me so much...green grass and Spring....April showers bring May flowers. Poetry month, child abuse awareness month, Earth day, tax day, my bday and that friendly four twenty. Leaving my sheepish ways to run free like an iron, zion lion. Next month....thanks and praises.

I want a place to quit aka peace and quiet, some call it life and some think its death.

While we spend time in our thoughts thinking we have the answers, we don't know till we try to make it happen. Visualization becomes an after thought because the present requires an idea to move into execution.

While mulling over the possibilties of a future, I decided to reexamine my school records. For the most part I've managed to pocket my life like pool balls hitting the corners. Thoughts neatly rearranged as the table cleared one by one. Also, if by strategy or luck, more than one fell into place. I have seen it happen, although stastically it was usually a methodologically single shot in. I wonder have I a single shot or if it is just a shot in the dark.

I have prided myself in understanding, recognizing and accepting the difficulties I've come across. I made efforts to rectify and save what I could. Regaining memory has been one of my many hurdles but not from a brain injury or physical harm but from tragedies of child abandonment and later abuse.

After relatively two and a half years of moderate success at the local community college and my numerous previous attempts, I am almost at the finish line. My coursework and studies have created a place where I could be myself, think and share what I know and understand. As I looked back on the years on what I have lost, while simultaneously reacquiring the moments that should have been, I am not surprised at the setback today.

Upon reviewing my student record, I realized there were still chunks of information missing from my psyche. As I sat and pondered this thought, I debated how much of a pursuit I wanted or needed. I would be required to go back to that very black and white world that surrounded at the time. Those were the haziest and grayest days of my life but the stark contrast during those days were warring opposites of fear and courage, along with failure and success and my personal freedom was exchanged for another's life.

"U should have said sumthing!' I said to oldest daughter this morning as she got out of the car. Its something that was verbally expressed and something thats weighed on my conscious my whole life. However, today the tone and accuracy of my words were directional for my daughter's sake. As the words were expressed there was no lingering guilt. Those words became hers to own at a later date in her young life . For me it was a step forward as I reflect on why that same sentiment endangered my life in the past with shame and disgust. It turned me into a mute, someone without any sense of communication. Thoughts that were buried so deep that darkness filled the void between language, emotions and vocality. I was silent.

I'm Hurting Inside

Bob Marley

oh-a-w-oh
when i was just a little child
(little child)
happiness was there awhile
(there awhile)
and from me, it...
it slipped one day (ay)
happiness
come back I say

cause if you don't come
i've got to go looking...
for happiness

well if you don't come
i've got to go looking...
god, for happiness... happiness

say that
say i'm hurting
(inside) and its no...
i'm hurting
i'm hurting
deep inside

oh good god now

oh hear my cry
hear my cry
yeah my my my my my my my cry

been together like school children
(school children)
then you hurt me just in vain
(just in vain)
oh...
lord, i'm your little child
(little child)
oh
happiness come back awhile

cause if you don't come
i'm gong a looking
for happiness
the road is dangerous

cause if you don't come
i've got to go looking
for happiness...happiness

said I'm...
don't you know i'm...
i'm hurting, hurting inside

oh i'm hurting

who cares
who cares

does the one who love
oh
feel the pain
feel the pain

does the one who love
feel the pain
feel the pain

(been together)
been together like school children

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_ZAH3UKXg0

No ting could be further from the truth than the lyrics of this song. As a child, I was hurting inside and it wasn't until I was a young teen that I heard these words and felt comfort for the first time. I had found melody that spoke for me.

A record player and cassette deck was what pulled me from the misery to a world that was somewhere else than the little corner that I sat in. When the days of happiness reached me it went deep in my soul and rested there....if became a possibility and as I got older each day, I vowed that I would seek and find my happiness again.

It was the settings of a new adulthood but it was the mind and body of a very young child making up for lost time. From those days to today, I trod on and the journey gets less lonely.

I n I live!!!

"Visualization" my husband said after I asked him how Sherlock Holmes was planning his next move/s. Am I working on a plan of attack or introduction? Today, I am searching to gather the pieces of a puzzle, work from the border and piece them slowly and surely into a bigger picture. For myself is not a "so simple" thing called Life.

Perhaps I can muse with some dreams and mix it up with music and have it all make sense.

Foundations and groundation is my method to graduation.
Mission: Educate to Eradicate


Truly,
Freed Im Fighting